Thought I’d share a few pics and say a few words about Dad on here. Then I found this post I started right after Dad died. I decided to post it here so I have it for the future. It’s raw and unedited but it is where I was a few months ago. Things are not much different now…
Not sure what to say…
I didn’t think I would be working on this post till much later in my life. But here I am. God’s plans are most definitely not mine. He decided to take Dad home earlier than I felt was a good idea…a lot earlier. It’s been hard. Way harder than I ever thought. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and it’s all a bad dream. And that Dad will be there to give me a hug. I didn’t hug him enough.
He was doing so well with his health that I really thought I had a lot more time with him. I mean 76 is really young. It’s weird how age truly becomes just a number and ‘old’ gets pushed back further and further in life. I used to see obituaries of people who die in their 70s and think, That’s sad, but that person lived a full life. They lived to be pretty old. But 76 isn’t old! I was counting on another 10-20 years. At least.
So here I am venting. Putting all my thoughts and feelings down. They’ll be random. They’ll be a mess. But then, my life is kind of a mess now. Well, that’s not true. My life is pretty darn good. And Dad did, in fact, live a full life. Especially these last few years. He had found his place in the church once again and was doing what he loved. Fully immersed in church and God’s business and farming with friends. He was so fully supportive of all his kids and grandkids. As a matter of fact, as I listened to people sharing at his funeral, I listened to all the great things he’d done in the church, but I didn’t have the guts to get up there and share yet another part of dad. He was a fantastic dad and grandpa. He was at every. single. event. of my life and my children’s lives. And we all knew it. We could always count on Grandpa Neukomm always being there.
But all that doesn’t erase how crappy it is now. We still want him here. I still want to see him at every event. And this next year will be so hard to see the empty seat at each event. Mac will be graduating from eighth grade. He’ll be learning to drive this year. When Patrick graduates, Grandpa won’t be there. That sucks.
My first thought when I realized he was gone was that he’s with Jesus. Dad loved Jesus. A lot. He never felt worthy of His love, but he knew that Jesus loved him none the less. He was completely tone deaf, but LOVED to sing and worship. He loved being in God’s presence. And now he actually, literally is in the presence of God. And I know that he’d rather be there than even with us. So I really was so happy for him in that moment. And in the moments that followed like his funeral and burial. Now that that’s all over, however, it’s harder. Now we have to face life going on here without him. And that sucks.
He had just bought a house. He was so excited to do renovations on it and settle in. He bought all new furniture. He was so proud of that house and furniture. But what do I do with it? I’m struggling with getting rid of his things. I don’t need any of them, but I just can’t imagine parting with them! He had just agreed to help lead the prophetic team at church. I’m not prophetic, but I want to go and take over for him and continue his work! Grief is so irrational.
Dad is the first person close to me to die. That’s an amazing thing to say at 43. I know so many other people who have suffered so much death and tragedy so much earlier than that. I’m blessed. I know that. But…I don’t know what to do with this grief. I wish it was a year from now. They say time heals. Time helps. Time dulls. Here’s to hoping!